LynnMarie

Grammy Nominated Artist, Storyteller & Motivational Entertainer

For Bill

For Bill.

What would you do if you knew that your friend was going to pass away an hour after you were just holding his hand? Would you say more? Do more? These were the questions running through my mind, when I got the call that my friend Bill had crossed over.

Bill had been in ICU you for over a week. I kept trying and trying to go see him, and between him having a bad day and me having a bad day, (the later nowhere near comparable to the first) the schedule just didn’t line up.

But yesterday morning when I woke I felt the pull or the push.

You know, when God sticks his big toe down and nudges you to do the hard thing, or the right thing, like call your estranged brother or give five dollars to the man on the corner or not eat the donut.

I felt the push. Today’s the day to go see Bill.

We weren’t the best of friends, but we worked together for as long as I’ve been in Nashville and most recently on the Pickler and Ben show. I saw him almost every day. We sometimes sat next to each other in the morning production meeting. And we often stood together at the craft service table, always joking about the unlimited supply of sugar, as he encouraged me not to indulge.

Bill was a television icon in Nashville, and one of the best Stage Managers in the business. I can’t remember who, but someone said once, “Bill Turner is such a great stage manager that not only will he be able to tell you when the wheels are about to fall off the train, he can tell you when that train leaves the station.” He was always ten steps ahead of everyone and had an eye for spotting and fixing the problems. But mostly he took care of people. He’s stood by and guided more “A” list celebrities than you can count, keeping them calm and relaxed and informed before the red light went on. And when the said wheels did in fact fall off, (as they often do in TV) everyone could and would be rattled, except for Bill. Hands down, Bill was always the most solid person on the set.

I knew I wanted to take him something when I went to visit, but what? A balloon? A card? Chocolate? These were all things that I of course would want if I was in the hospital, especially the chocolate, but what would Bill want?  I walked through the store searching, thinking about the countless hours we spent hanging out in the wings, Bill sometimes holding a paper cup filled with coffee.

And as soon as I had that thought, I looked and right in front of me was a beautiful, uniquely hand-crafted coffee cup.

The bottom half was rough, with a raw pottery finish, and the top half was smooth and soft gray in color. It had a strong thick handle with a special divot carved out for your thumb.

When I arrived at his room, holding a black and white gift bag overflowing with purple tissue paper, his sister met me at the door.  “He’s not doing well. He took a turn last night, and he’s probably going to die today.” Wait. What? Die? Today? I just read on Facebook that physical therapy had him up and walking yesterday.

How could he be walking yesterday and dying today?

She continued, “You can go in and talk with him, but he probably won’t respond.”

As I entered his room I thought, “I am not prepared for this moment.”  I have had the privilege of being with a couple people when the veil between this life and the next gets thin, and I am always humbled and scared shitless and not prepared. I hadn’t eaten lunch yet. Surely sitting with someone at such a precious time requires a full belly and someone more spiritual than me with tons of faith. But the writer Anne Lamott says,

“Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness, the discomfort and letting it be there.” And so, I sat.

I placed the gift bag next to a stack of cards. A bright yellow smiley face balloon waved in the air above. Monitors beeped and blinked. I held his hand. In the silence, I relived our many conversations through the years, Bill out on the stage and me in a control room or TV truck, “Hey Lynn, you in there?” “Yep, I’m here, what do you need?” He’d continue, “Hey listen, I’m thinking that…” which meant, you or someone in the control room should listen carefully to what I’m about to say, because the wheels are about to fall off. I held his hand a little tighter. His breathing was deep and loud, but I could tell that he was at peace. I tried to get him to respond, and when he didn’t, I started rambling. I told him how many people were praying for him and believing in his return to the studio for season two of Pickler & Ben. I told him that his friend Mike was really missing him and that he needed to get back to work to keep us all in line.

I told him about the coffee cup I brought and why it reminded me so much of him. A solid vessel.

I talked about all the cards in his room – and the obvious lack of chocolate –  but I promised to fix that the next time I came to visit.  And before I knew it, faith and peace filled both me and the room.

An hour later I got the call. I was with a friend I hadn’t see in a while when the news came, and I loved her more deeply in that moment.

The only good thing about death is that it brings life to those left behind.

On my way to pick up my son James (who has special needs) from school, I cried. I will miss Bill. I will miss his presence on the set for the rest of my life. This is the sucky part about death.

James is way more aware and in tune than I could ever hope to be, so my sadness wasn’t lost on him.  I wanted to sit in silence as we drove and mourn my loss.

But death, and God’s big toe, and James always push me to be more present. To keep living in the moment, even when that moment is grief.

James wanted to have a polka dance party in the car, and so we did. For Bill.

I’m am so grateful that I got to see my friend one more time before he left. And I’m grateful for the potter who hand-crafted the coffee mug. I don’t know where it will end up – maybe his sister or one of his beautiful daughters will use it and know that his work community of friends loved him beyond words.

And as Bill said too many times to count in his career…

“Alright, here we go. Stand by, in five-four-three-two.”

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Because of James

I woke up this morning a bit anxious and worried about the event tonight. I have felt incredibly stretched these last few weeks, like I’m running in too many directions and I feel unprepared. I reached out to a friend who tried to calm my fears and then said, ”just do another Facebook post, I’m sure it’ll be great.”  My initial thought was, “What else would I say to promote this event?”

I took James to my happy place, the trails at Percy Warner Park. Half way up the first hill, with Michael Stanley pumping in my ears, and James singing loudly and passionately to Little Einstein’s in Chinese, I found myself exhausted and out of breath. The mean voices told me how out of shape I am at the moment and I should turn around. But we pressed on.

As I rounded the bend, I could see them from afar. I didn’t know them, but immediately I did.  Without hesitation, we stopped. “This is Adam,” a woman wearing a Predators jersey said.  “This is James,” I replied. Simultaneously we both looked down at our children and asked them to acknowledge each other. James and Adam barely lifted their eyes off of their IPad’s and mumbled hello.  As we started to continue walking, the father, also wearing a Preds jersey says, “I guess we both had the same idea.”  I knew that what he meant was that we both put our special needs kids in their adult size strollers to try to take advantage of this beautiful fall day.  But as I huffed and puffed up the rest of the hill, I thought more deeply about his words.

We both had the same idea about a lot of things I’m sure. Thoughts that involved a typical child and walks that didn’t include over-sized strollers and electronics. But we also probably have the same idea about how to uniquely love our kids, and figure out what makes them happy. It’s not always easy, but we figure it out. We figure out how to take advantage of this beautiful day.

As my playlist shuffled from Michael Stanley, to Vince Gill, to polkas, I thought about Adam and his parents.  Everything about their day screamed, “I am not covered by insurance.” The stroller Adam road in, his headphones, his iPad, his orthotics…none of it covered. I shook my head and realized that this was not at all a chance meeting. That it was perfectly orchestrated by God and the universe to remind me (and you) that that’s exactly what Because of James is hoping to do. Starting tonight!

Come paint a pumpkin, or drink some pumpkin spice, or learn how to polka!

5-10pm. The Old School. 5022 Old Hydes Ferry Pike. Ashland City, TN. If you can’t join us, please visit becauseofjames.org and join the mailing list!

Xo

 

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To the Yet-to-be-met Friends

Over the weekend I was listening to one of my favorite audio books, “What to Remember When Waking, The Disciplines of an everyday Life” by David Whyte. He tells this great story about a time he held his daughter in his arms. And in the moonlight, he watched her little palm open and close, as sometimes children’s palms do when they are falling asleep, and he noticed the lines in her hand.

He realized that in a way, those lines represented her future life and her future potential.

And that as well as he knew her in that moment, people in her future world might know her better than he ever did.

I feel the same way about James. I know as much as I can possibly know about him right now.  What he likes to eat, how he sleeps, and what brings him joy. But the reality is, I will not be in his life forever. And I have to trust that the people who are with him when I’m gone, the friends he will have when he is forty or fifty, may know him better than I do.

There is such a great sadness in that thought, that it could easily make me spiral and bath myself in Tiramisu.

And I am aware that I am not alone in this fear, and that all parents with children probably feel the same way. But because James will likely not be able to care for himself completely, these future unknown life-helpers are on my mind and heart all the time.

We swam at a friend’s pool on Sunday. And watching James jump in the water never gets old. And that is the only way I stay away from the darkness. By knowing that in his future there will be a pool. And the ability to jump. Resulting in joy. This keeps me present and mostly away from sugar.

After I took this video, we snuggled on the patio furniture. He ate his pretzels and I stared at his palm. I ran my finger up and down his Palmar Crease.

And I said a prayer for the unknown life-givers, the yet-to-be-met friends, and for the person who will hold his hand when he is taking his last breath.

And I prayed that they will always take him to the pool, make sure he has Rold Gold (not Snyder’s) pretzels to eat, and mostly, to remind him how very much I loved him.

 

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